So you want to marry a fat, balding, poor white guy?
Well girls, line up. I’m giving myself away next Friday night.
If you’re a beautiful young sexy woman with money who has the hots for fat, balding, poor white guys like me, you’re eligible.
If you thought "So You Want To Marry A Millionaire" was sleazy, wait until you see what I’ve got lined up. Come help me put the shame in my sham wedding.
The beauty contest and wedding will take place at Bozo’s Barbecue Bar and Tattoo Parlor just east of beautiful downtown Paluxy.
Contestants will be required to read an essay on how they felt when they ran over their first armadillo. Next, they have to read their favorite road kill recipe.
Then there’s the Copenhagen dipping contest. Those girls who don’t upchuck after taking a dip move on up the ladder.
The winners move on to heavy competition. The contestant who wins the wet T-shirt contest, the Cuervo Gold shot guzzling contest, and who beats Bozo at no-holds barred arm wrestling will be my bride. We’ll be joined in holy matrimony by Rev. Dicey Doolittle, providing he gets out of Hood County Jail in time on work release.
Hopefully Dicey will be sober enough to find his way to Bozo’s and stay standing up long enough to do the I do’s.
Next, we’ll have a romantic barbecue dinner courtesy of Bozo with plenty of iced-down Texas
Pete and Mogen and David 20/20 wine. That is, if Bozo has a table that’s empty. Otherwise, we’ll just sit on the tailgate of my truck and drag our drinks out of the ice chest while swatting away flies and kicking Bozo’s Rottweilers and pit bulls as they try to get at the barbecue.
Then we’ll drive to Granbury. For entertainment, we’ll go from store to store until we find some store clerk who’ll take my maxed-out charge cards.
Next, we’ll sneak out to the secret pot-bellied pig races at Doug Wahdiddy’s place at Fall Creek. Hopefully, sheriff Hardin won’t raid the races again this year and arrest the jockeys.
Our honeymoon will be at an exotic location. We’ll be staying at Berdoo’s Fishing Camp and Bingo Parlor on the Brazos just outside beautiful downtown Nemo.
Berdoo is giving us two of his best cots under his favorite oak tree. They ran off the buzzards roosting in the tree just last week, Berdoo reports. Berdoo promises us too that he’ll move the biker gang’s beer bust as far as he can away from our honeymoon location. If Berdoo can get his portable toilet pumped out in time, he’ll put it right next to our cots for our honeymoon convenience.
Berdoo is even loaning us some rods and reels and his county-wide famous Berdoo’s Stink Bait so we can catch breakfast in the Brazos in the morning. If we get a hankering for squirrel or possum, Berdoo says he’ll even loan us his shotgun.
I can’t wait until next Friday night. I know that for whichever girl I pick, it will be her most memorable wedding and honeymoon ever.
And by the way, Berdoo is a notary public and can even do annulments.
Girls who want to enter the "So You Want To Marry A Fat, Balding, Poor White Guy" contest can call me at the Hood County News or e-mail your best bikini pix and a short bio to leland@hcnews.com.